"In a darkroom of scary options"

"Pain is innevitable, suffering is optional"



"Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed"



Pain and fear are good. They teach us, and make us stronger, braver, more courageous. But we must also control them at all times. We need to know that pain is understandable, neccessary, but that we just can't afford to suffer and make ourselves miserables over absolutely anything. As my mom sometimes says, we are born and dead alone. Fact. Face it. You are the only thing you've truly got and can change. The other stuff, might be equally important, but must remain in a status of plus. Not of neccessity.
As for fear, I know this is hard, but we must not panic. Today, one girl in the class was talking about how she got kidnapped, her reactions, what she felt, and how she was able to be afraid, but at the same time in control and ready. I found it so admirable. Some say it was just survival instict, nevertheless, it takes effort and consicence to remain calmed in moments like those. Calmed in the meaning of having peace. Of not freaking out. Of being aware, but of also being able to manage the situation smartly.
She came out of it perfect. Now, she has developed a trauma. She is seeing a psycologist. It has to be hard to be kidnapped by your three year chauffeur. To finally understand how difficult it is to trust. To rely on someone after that.
I have problems like those. Not of trauma, but of trust. I just find it difficult to put my life or personal issues in the hands of a third person. And 'forgive and forget'? also hard. I can forgive and never even think about the problem. But after something happens, it is practically impossible for me to trust that person again. I can't forget. I don't hold grudges, though. But am very trustless. Which is why I have grown to be such an independent woman. I am accostumed to do everything by myself. To control everything. If I get help at anything, I'm always in charge. I'm used to that kind of situations. I try to delegate as little as possible. All me. Part to make sure everything goes out like I wanted, part because of trust issues, part because I like to do my own work...
Mostly because of pain and fear. Fear it won't be as I wanted it.
I must definately work on that this year. Yet another goal. Trust people and being afraid it might not turn out as perfect as I wanted, but letting other try nevertheless. Being in control, but not overly authoritive. Delegate. Control myself. Forget. Trust again. Learn that not everything is black and white. People change. Circumstances sometimes push us to do things we don't want to.
Evolve. Improve. Be better.

WG