First

So, today was the first of my little experiment- the truth countdown.
Unfortunately, today was a bit too much of an ordinary sunday-like thursday, which is my way of saying, nothing particularly intersting happened, nor new truths were created for our countdown. Buut.

That doesn't mean confessions can't be made, right? Because even though there's nothing new to be added to the list, old things can always be unearthed.
Today my first crush's birthday. My first little date, back when I was 12. Now that I think about it, I was real mean with this boy. We started as best friends, and I remember when at least 4 of the girls in my clasroom had a crush on him. I remember how I felt the butterflies in my stomach every time I saw him, every time we talked.. I remember when I met his mother. I was going to the movies with some girlfriends when he told me he was at the same mall buying books with his mom. I went to say hi, never in the world expecting him to introduce me to his mother, but that was in fact what he did, with his mom and his little sister.

I also remember how I liked the idea of him more than anything else. He was this guy who was charismatic, friendly, funny, football player-even popular- but at the same time was the kind of boy who would tell me that he loved to read, study and being a straight A student. He was a bit in the cocky side, yes, but still. He was what every parent would've wished for his little girl.
Until, of course, as usual, the little girl got scared of too much affection.

And yes, that was how it happened. We hadn't been together not even for two months (we were fucking 12) when the guy had the brilliant idea to buy my a watch with his savings- not exactly a cheap watch, if I'm allowed to add. That's when I think things started to cool off and he became less and less intersting for me. I ended things with him with the excuse that I supposedly 'liked' two other guys- who I barely talked to.
Then I had other boyfriends, and he continued to be there as a bf. All the while deep down, I liked knowing that he was there. That somehow, he was sort of still mine (strong feeling for a 13 year old, I know). We stopped being close without noticing, until now, when we barely say hi to each other. Wouldn't I been doing this little experiment, and I never would've congratulated him today. But I did. Sort of?
I said happy birthday. I did. Then he said thanks, added the typical 'we should get together sometime baby' line, and after that, I just didn't respond.

The truth? I've always kept a left eye on him. On the one that got away, but shouldn't have. The one that I know right know would be a great friend. I even felt a little jealous when I found out he had as a girlfriend a little freshman that I definately, definately, don't symphasize with. I guess he represents a period of my teen life. He represents an old pair of Levi's. The best I could get, the best quality, comfort, beauty... that I changed for a pair of newer, trendier jeans. I stopped using the Levi's, and realized I wanted to feel that comfort again, only to realize they didn't fit anymore. Nevertheless, I always kept them in my closet.
Until today. When I just looked at them and wasn't able to remember what was it that made them special in the first place.

now, time for a good night's sleep-

Hi

I am now sitting on my desk chair. It's 3am. I can't sleep at-all. I'm listening to Marchin 'on by OneRepublic.

I do not know the appropriate way to come back after, what, 7 months of total negligence towards this blog? I do not know if there is actually someone out there that reads this shit. Or more accurately, that read my shit. Honestly, I don't care. I guess it would be nice to get feedback, but really, I'm just writing for my own sake.

It's been a long time since I last wrote. It's been forever since I felt the urge to sit down and start translating into the written form the words inside my head. That voice, so fluid and so clear, that starts to flow once I start tipping. I missed the feeling. Mostly, I missed the sound.

What can I tell you? On October the 4th I start my senior year. My last year in high school. The one that I so wanted to be in, but now wish I weren't in. The one that I want to enjoy the most, the one I want to be over first, and last all at the same time. The one I want to be the best, the most memorable, the one that will ultimately prepare me for real life--a life that starts on my own, abroad, in a foreign country; where I might or might not speak the first language, where I will know absolutely no one, and where the time difference might range from 6 hours to 1. A life that I do not know where will it start, nor where it will end. If so, this will be my last year home. My last year with my lifetime friends. My last opportunity to say and do all of the things I have wanted to say and do at home, and to people at home. The moment where I will have to open my heart and say aloud all of the words I was scared of saying, because I do not know when or if the next opportunity might come. A time that I want to live, but at the same time do not want to start because then it will have to end.

I'm applying in November to three different countries. To universities in places and states I've never been to. Ready to leave the decision to fate. On Sept the 23rd, 2011, where will I be?
Two possible continents. Three different countries. Eight possible universities. One life.
One me, scared and exited; ready and naive at the same time.

It shocks me how uncertain this state is. I really, sincerely do not know where I'll be in 12 months. I don't even know the major. And since I don't know where will I be standing in one year, and will not know at least till February, I'm stuck in the now. I'm stuck in the enjoying of the only 4 truths and certainties in my life at the moment. My two best friends. My family. School. And me (even though I don't know if that one counts). Nothing else is real or certain. No promises. Only a million possibilities.

This, is both killing me and saving me. It's saving me from the stress of preparing myself for what will come. And it's killing me to know that so few things are palpable in my life. That I truly have no other fact. That the rest, I'll have to create. So I now openly decide that I'll dedicate myself to make my own truths. To create my own certainties and facts. Starting with this blog, which I will reopen, as my fifth truth. As my fifth reality-a home I can come back to no matter where in the world I am or will be.

So let the truth-creating countdown start.

"Back"

Hii. I'm back. Finally.
It's being a hell of a vacations, I must admit. I went to the beach, to the snow.. a bit of all. But most importantly, I feel I came re-energized for this year. I have absolutely no idea of what 2010 will bring, but I'm sure anxious to find out and ready to face it.
I have come back with new ambitions, new plans and new beginings. This were one of the most amazing vacations of my entire life. I feel, and it might sound corny and ridiculous, that I re-encountered with myself. It was full of surprises and, love.
I just wanted to do this short post to let you know I'm alive and kicking. Haha.

WG

First of all, I'm so so so so sorry for the lack of posts the last four days. Really, with the holidays coming, everything has been like a roller coaster. Buying gifts, family dinners, friend reunions, etc have stolen all of my free time.

I wanted to wish everyone the best holidays ever. The best christmas, and, the best wishes and hopes for next year. I don't think I will be able to blog for quite a long time. I hope I can, but honestly, I don't think so. I'm leaving for vacations on the 26. I return January 16. If I find time, I will blog. I sware.

I hope all of you are having a lot of fun and mostly giving back this christmas. Giving back love to your families and friends. Just, giving and receiving love. Simply, finding the happiness in front of us. And being grateful for all the things we have.

Don't have limitations for next year. You can either choose to live fenced in the boundaries you created, or choose to live crossing them. I advice you cross them. I advice you live as much as you can, to not regret, to not forget everything happens for a reason, that things untold are equal to unexisting, to not waste our times in nonsense, and to remember nothing is impossible and that we only live once.
Choose to be as good as you can. Don't settle for less than you deserve. Love, and love more.
Give thanks to all you think have helped you or made you better in any way, ask for help to those you admire and believe to be the best, and change who you can.
Forgive. This is the time of the year of forgiving and letting go. Of just saying , 'I love you, after all'. Don't hold grudges. Leave that for next year.

As for myself, I have to say, I love christmas. It is my favorite holiday. I just love the way the air feels, the ambient, the simply happy vibe of the people. I love decorated trees and houses, I love songs in stores, I love buying gifts for everyone and receiving them, I love lighting the fireplace and falling sleep with hot chocolate. Snow. The way people greet you all the time, and the way we all choose to forget our worries and responsabilities to just feel the moment. I love the way everything feels in general. Reuniting with family, and having sleepovers with old and new friends, is just amazing. Amazing how we forgive, love and rejoy over having the possibility to be together for yet another year.

This year, things have changed. It has been one full of unexpected news, new learnings, new beginings and new friends as well as for new philosophies and space for new things. Such as this blog. A year ago, I would have never found myself either having a blog nor writing the things I do. A year ago, everything was different. A year ago, I never realized the importance of rasing my voice. But now I do. And am so happy to be doing so. Even if there are only a few people reading, at least someone is. And it feels sooo good. Soo good to know, that I can come here and write every time I feel like it, and every time I'm looking for a safe haven. This blog is not all of me; but it is part of the process of creating myself. Sometimes, it represents not what I am but what I wish I were. It is a place for aspirations, expectations and faith. A place were nothing bad can happen, and were only good things are created.

I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it.

Thanks for listening to what I have to say; and don't forget I'm always here in case you want to share something.

Merry Christmas, and happy new year;

WG

"Just A Reminder"

"If I had my life to live over, I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax; I'd limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances.
I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones. You see, I'm one of those people who lived sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else.
Just moments, one after the other, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute.
If I had it to do over again, I would travel lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over again, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dance; I would ride more merry-go rounds.

I would pick more daisies."

"We all love to instruct, though we can teach only what is not worth knowing"
- Because, the things that are worth knowing can only be properly taught by expirience and self awareness.

"If you were to give me forty such men, I never could be so happy as you. Till I have your dispossition, your goodness, I can never have your happiness"
- Attitude is everything in life.


"Neither duty, nor honour, nor gratitude have any possible claim on me"
- Nothing is can be binding when it comes to character. Not that sometimes it is not better to adhere to them nevertheless.


"Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure"
- The past is gone. Look only for teachings and joys. No regrets, no lookbacks.


"I was taught what was right, but I was not taught to correct my temper. I was given good principles, but left to follow them in pride and conceit"
- It is meaningless to know theory if you can't put it into practice.


"You taught me a lesson, hard indeed at first, but mostly advantageous. By you I was properly humbled. I came to you without a doubt of my reception. You showed me how insufficient were all my pretensions to please a woman worthy of being admired"
- Without admiration, there can never be true love.


"My object then was to show you, by every civility in my power, that I was not so mean as to resent the past"
- The appereance of forgetting and letting go can mean pride, as well as goodness.

"I am happier than even Jane; she only smiles, I laugh"

"She endeavoured to forget what she could not overlook"
- When we love someone so much, we rather pretend not to realize their faults or mistakes than actually facing the fact that they might not be so worthy of admiration.

"What praise is more valuable than that of an intelligent servant?"

"Gratitude, not merely for having once loved her, but for loving her still well enough to forgive all the petulance and acrimony of her manner in rejecting him, and all the unjust accusations accompanying her rejection"

"She respected, she eestemed, she was grateful to him, she felt a reak interest in his welfare; and she only wanted to know how far she whished that welfare to depend upon herself, and how far it would be for the happiness of both that she should employ the power, which her fancy told her she still possessed of bringing on the renewal of his addresses"