Hi

I am now sitting on my desk chair. It's 3am. I can't sleep at-all. I'm listening to Marchin 'on by OneRepublic.

I do not know the appropriate way to come back after, what, 7 months of total negligence towards this blog? I do not know if there is actually someone out there that reads this shit. Or more accurately, that read my shit. Honestly, I don't care. I guess it would be nice to get feedback, but really, I'm just writing for my own sake.

It's been a long time since I last wrote. It's been forever since I felt the urge to sit down and start translating into the written form the words inside my head. That voice, so fluid and so clear, that starts to flow once I start tipping. I missed the feeling. Mostly, I missed the sound.

What can I tell you? On October the 4th I start my senior year. My last year in high school. The one that I so wanted to be in, but now wish I weren't in. The one that I want to enjoy the most, the one I want to be over first, and last all at the same time. The one I want to be the best, the most memorable, the one that will ultimately prepare me for real life--a life that starts on my own, abroad, in a foreign country; where I might or might not speak the first language, where I will know absolutely no one, and where the time difference might range from 6 hours to 1. A life that I do not know where will it start, nor where it will end. If so, this will be my last year home. My last year with my lifetime friends. My last opportunity to say and do all of the things I have wanted to say and do at home, and to people at home. The moment where I will have to open my heart and say aloud all of the words I was scared of saying, because I do not know when or if the next opportunity might come. A time that I want to live, but at the same time do not want to start because then it will have to end.

I'm applying in November to three different countries. To universities in places and states I've never been to. Ready to leave the decision to fate. On Sept the 23rd, 2011, where will I be?
Two possible continents. Three different countries. Eight possible universities. One life.
One me, scared and exited; ready and naive at the same time.

It shocks me how uncertain this state is. I really, sincerely do not know where I'll be in 12 months. I don't even know the major. And since I don't know where will I be standing in one year, and will not know at least till February, I'm stuck in the now. I'm stuck in the enjoying of the only 4 truths and certainties in my life at the moment. My two best friends. My family. School. And me (even though I don't know if that one counts). Nothing else is real or certain. No promises. Only a million possibilities.

This, is both killing me and saving me. It's saving me from the stress of preparing myself for what will come. And it's killing me to know that so few things are palpable in my life. That I truly have no other fact. That the rest, I'll have to create. So I now openly decide that I'll dedicate myself to make my own truths. To create my own certainties and facts. Starting with this blog, which I will reopen, as my fifth truth. As my fifth reality-a home I can come back to no matter where in the world I am or will be.

So let the truth-creating countdown start.