"The battle of a lifetime"

The constant fight between doing the right thing and being the best.
Such a difficult battle. Mostly in a culture were second place is the first looser.
I was watching a tv program today about steroids, met and other drugs. The one that stunned me the most was one whose name started by a, I think. It was something like addler, but I'm not entirely sure. I've never heard of this drug, apparently it is used by high school and college students in order to improve grades. It enhances memory and fastess the learning process.
The program focused on how we are a nation under steroids. How all of us, are taking drugs. How many publicity ads do we see while watching tv promoting a new pill? There is a pill for everything from headache to memory now. Even the U.S soldiers are under drugs while fighting. They give it to them so that they are energized and more aware. Our sports' competitors are in steroids. Housewives take pills in order to be skinnier. Men take supplements in order to be more musculous. Students take pills to improve grades. Our whole society is drugged.
The program showed how many of these suplements to be skinnier or more musculous were made. People bought the products in places like Mexico, ordered them through the internet or indirectly and "innocently" asked a doctor to prescribe them. Once they had the ingredients, they were made at home. Each bottle costs approximatly 1,40$ to be made, and is sold in 60$. The advertising pictures of the famous 'before and after' are photoshopped. Not real AT ALL. In the before picture, the model doesn't has any makeup on, nor is he waxed or tanned. In the after photo, he has makeup on, no chest hair, artificial tan, andd artifial muscle definition provided by photoshop.
And then there is us. The stupid consumer. The ones that see the picture, and buy the product. Even the guys that take steroids and appear on publicity ads being all handsome and robust admit that while they might be taking the product they advertise, it's not the only thing they are using to look like that. It is up to the public's interpretation they say.
So now, there is the big interrogative with which I started writing this. I said "The constant fight between doing the right thing and being the best".
An example? Arnold Schwarzenegger. He was big on steroids and publicly admits he doesn't regrets it and that he would do it all over again. At the same time, in other interviews, he says that by looking like that and taking steroids, we are giving the wrong message to aspiring sports kids. Is he implying what I think?- Doing the right thing? not taking steroids. Being the best? doing whatever it takes. Taking steroids.
Another example? Former president George W. Bush. Before becoming president, he sponsored a baseball team whose integrants were all on steroids. This integrants of the team assure that their bosses and sponsors were surely aware of what was going on. After becoming president? he appears on tv saying that taking supplements is cheating, is taking an advantge step to reach our dreams without effort nor merit.

What do you think about this? Are all of America's best like this? Doing whatever it takes to be there? Even if it involves doing things they apparently don't support and are obviously wrong?
Is there any hope for the nation 'under steroids'? And, when are the consecuences to being stonned going to start showing?

This is not a matter of drugs. This is about how much we are capable of doing in order to being the so called 'best'. But to that, I say, the best to whom? To others, or to ourselves?
Consience always hunt us at the end. If we cheat, we'll never be the best to ourselves, because we'll always know we didn't do it the right way. To others? well, from the outside, we'll be the best.

But- is it worth it?

WG

"An eight letter word that startd by T and ends in D"

Today in class a teacher told us a thought that struck me in so many ways.

She said 'Humans are made to trascend'.

At first, I thought 'trascend' meant to be timeless, to leave something behind, to stay in the world after many centuries..

But that wasn't the meaning. 'Transcend' apparently meant to go beyond conventional. To cross the barriers of knowledge, feeling, thought.. To depeen. To do more than what we are expected to, to BE more. Or so she explained.

After I got home, I inmediatly turned on the computer and went into the dictionary.

Transcend stands for:

1. to leak out, to become known

2. to spread, to have a wide effect



Now I see none of us were wrong. It has many meanings, as do a lot of things in life. 'To have a wide effect' states that we must leave something; a chage, perhaps. 'To leak out, to become known, to spread' are all pointing towards the latter. To go beyond. To spread our wings and fly away.

This has officially become one of my new favorite words. I never knew it existed, and now that I do, I can see its profound purpose. I can see why the teacher used it at class.



Of course we are made to do change, to influence, to go beyond standarts.. But usually, people think that by this they need to become president, find the cure to cancer, influence hundreds of thousands.. But it doesn't has to be that way.

Change start in ourselves, and then, it proceeds to reach out for others. I don't mean we should all go out and become world leaders. By teaching one person something important and good, we are trascending.. We are leaving something behind, and as little as it might seem, it is actually huge. It is huge to be capable of changing one person's life. To make that person smile, to encourage, or to simply let the other thinking. Do you guys remember the movie 'Pay It Forward'?

It is that simple. Who would've imagined a little eight year old would begun a chain of teachings and favors that would later include and change for life an entire community? Who would've thought, that by offering his help, he would be giving much more than that, but himself. Literally.

I believe we can do so much if we want to. A little smile, might change someone's day completely. A little favor, might remind some of the importance of helping. A word, might give meaning to a life. And the sharing of our thoughts, might offer clarity.



As for myself, I think I've taught. Not so much as changed, but at least left a bit of wisdom and love to people. Or at least I hope.



WG

"New Era In-The-Make"

"Lions for Lambs". One of my favorite movies. Tom Cruise, Meryl Streep. Stunning.

I saw the movie, and of course I understood its meaning. It shows not how different people react to war, like the description says, but it is about how sometimes our status and race might determine our feelings and thoughts. How sometimes we just prefer to look the other way. How we are not capable of putting ourselves in the line, rather we just wait for someone else to do the hard part. How when we must risk in order to do something big, we give a step back. And blame the circumstances, and sometimes, even other people.

But we must ask ourselves the following question everytime we are tempted to do just that:

If not me, then who? If not now, then when?

What if no one else is considering doing the hard work? What if no one ever does it? Am I going to step down too? Instead of exposing myself, what I intend to do, and I am?



The movie quotes something about this. It says somthing like 'I have never seen so many incredible lions ruled by lambs'

This means, I believe, that unfortunately, in this world, sometimes, those who are strong and courageous enough to put themselves in the line, end up following orders of those who aren't even capable to give a one hundred percent. By those, that are only seeking for their own comodities and interests rather than the really important purposes for which the workers (or lions) actually work for. How everything we humans do with our hands, we destroy it with our feet.

We need a world ruled and lived by lions. By people that are able to engage. Like the two students in the movie that enlisted to go to warm stated. What America needs is the engagement of all. We need to all work for each other and for a better whole.

We can't still live with the American dream of being rich and living in a big white house in the suburbs. There has to be a new American dream. I believe this economic recession and new politics have shown us that much. America needs change. The dream, has to now be different. It has to be of a place were the poorest has the indispensable food, health and education. Of a place were rich don't exist to exploit others, rather to help them climb. I don't mean socialism. I don't mean the equality of all men. I mean the equality of opportunities and rights. In social justice. The stretch between extremely liberal and exploitive capitalism and a mediocre socialism.

It is time to keep going. It is time to not look backwards but forward. Time to forget and forgive. A time for brand new beginnings and opportunities. If we accept this change, and work with it, the benefits will be countless. We must learn from the past mistakes and evolve.

"There was that law of life, so cruel and so just, that one must change or else pay more for remaining the same"

WG

"Killers"

"While everyone lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done" All these things that I've done- The Killers.

"Are we human, or are we dancers?" Human- The Killers.

"Jealously, taking saints into the sea, swimming through sick lullabies, chocking on your alibies,
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside" Mr. Brightside- The Killers.

"The Bible's blind, the Torah's deaf, the Q'uran is mute,
If you burn them all together you get close to the truth" Four Winds- The Killers.

"Pay my respects to grace and virtue.
Send my condolences to good.
Give my regards to soul and romance, they always did the best they could.
And so long to devotion, that taught me verything I know" Human- The Killers

"In a darkroom of scary options"

"Pain is innevitable, suffering is optional"



"Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed"



Pain and fear are good. They teach us, and make us stronger, braver, more courageous. But we must also control them at all times. We need to know that pain is understandable, neccessary, but that we just can't afford to suffer and make ourselves miserables over absolutely anything. As my mom sometimes says, we are born and dead alone. Fact. Face it. You are the only thing you've truly got and can change. The other stuff, might be equally important, but must remain in a status of plus. Not of neccessity.
As for fear, I know this is hard, but we must not panic. Today, one girl in the class was talking about how she got kidnapped, her reactions, what she felt, and how she was able to be afraid, but at the same time in control and ready. I found it so admirable. Some say it was just survival instict, nevertheless, it takes effort and consicence to remain calmed in moments like those. Calmed in the meaning of having peace. Of not freaking out. Of being aware, but of also being able to manage the situation smartly.
She came out of it perfect. Now, she has developed a trauma. She is seeing a psycologist. It has to be hard to be kidnapped by your three year chauffeur. To finally understand how difficult it is to trust. To rely on someone after that.
I have problems like those. Not of trauma, but of trust. I just find it difficult to put my life or personal issues in the hands of a third person. And 'forgive and forget'? also hard. I can forgive and never even think about the problem. But after something happens, it is practically impossible for me to trust that person again. I can't forget. I don't hold grudges, though. But am very trustless. Which is why I have grown to be such an independent woman. I am accostumed to do everything by myself. To control everything. If I get help at anything, I'm always in charge. I'm used to that kind of situations. I try to delegate as little as possible. All me. Part to make sure everything goes out like I wanted, part because of trust issues, part because I like to do my own work...
Mostly because of pain and fear. Fear it won't be as I wanted it.
I must definately work on that this year. Yet another goal. Trust people and being afraid it might not turn out as perfect as I wanted, but letting other try nevertheless. Being in control, but not overly authoritive. Delegate. Control myself. Forget. Trust again. Learn that not everything is black and white. People change. Circumstances sometimes push us to do things we don't want to.
Evolve. Improve. Be better.

WG

"Treasure Hunt"

Once upon a time, the elfs came to earth and hid a gift in the souls of men and women. The gift of happiness.
After they left, men and women started the infinite quest of the pursuit of happiness, most of them believing that this beautiful gift would be found on the outside, somewhere, hidden on the inside of clothes, cars, certificates, tickets, or even in other persons.
But very few of them considered the idea that happiness was on their inside. That happiness, was not about the momentanious joy found in parties or purchases; but the indefinite peace and smile coming from enjoying every moment of our lives, from drinking a glass of water to running a marathon.
Happiness is unrestricted, independent and unattached. We cannot tie our happiness to a moment, place, circumstance or even to a person. Because what if these moments, places, circumstances and persons ceased to exist?
We need to start a new quest. The quest of finding ourselves and our happiness from the inside-out. The personal enjoyment of every second of every minute of our daily lives.
We need to stop seeing what is missing in our life. What is yet to be done. And start focusing on what we already have. To live in happiness instead of fantasies.

It's all inside ourselves.
What sickens people, the rain or the virus?
The virus.
So why don't we go all out and dance eternally in the rain?

WG

"R vs. E"

Reasons vs. Excuses.


We invent excuses when we are scared. When we are afraid the truths might catch up with us. It is not that we don't know it, because we freak out in the moments when the true reasons face us. So we make up millions and trillions of lame, cliche excuses to fill in the blanks. To protect our feelings. To protect a reputation. To keep up a screen.

I once invented an excuse. A really lame excuse for something I wanted big time. Out of pride. And fear of being vulnerable.

Last year, a group of graduate students from my school were organizing a team of the best girls to go to an international debate. In order to pick the members of the team, they created an SAT/grammar/current events test for every intersted student. I passed the test, in the top ten. But then, a more difficult stage came. All girls that passed the test had an interview with the graduate students. Then, they would pick the best.

I did my interview, and, well, it wasn't good. First, they put me a trick question about walls and paintings and practicity, and I got completely blocked and answered the most retarted thing ever. It didn't even made sense. My arguments were pathetic. Unpractical.

Then, they put me to sell a plastic bag of chips. I had to make it look delicious somehow. So, I stood up and said a few things, did as if I was eating it, put a yummy face, and was very commercial. I guess it lacked enthusiasm or maybe even character. They didn't like it either.

Then they asked me something about a presidential candidate and I had no idea.

They told be to try harder at some point. Then the worst part came when they asked me to tag myself. My answer was: amazing. I mean, that's like the most unspecific tag ever! It's like if I didn't knew myself enough to come up with something better. It was a nightmare.

The point is, I didn't get to the team. My best friend did, though. I was.. embarassed. I felt dum, stupid, inefficent, uncapable. I didn't knew what to say when they asked me if I had gotten in.

Of course I put up the whole charade of 'I don't really care, I was just curious of how an interview was' and made fun of the girls that interviewed me. But I only did it because I was so vulnerable and sad on the inside.. I felt as if I was falling appart, and I didn't want to admit it. Too much pride on the line.

So this year, well, there are going to be try-outs again. I honestly don't know what to do. I already gave everyone the excuse that I wasn't going to have enough time or whatever. And that the girls in charge hated me. Excuses. Excuses. Excuses. (The girls aren't fond of me, though. Honestly). Real reason? I'm scared I don't make the team yet again. I would definately be a looser. I mean, the girl that tries two times and doesn't get it anyways?. I know I always talk about risking it all and being fearless and expiriencing and not being scared and not caring what people say about you.. Because I am certain those are the right things to do. I know the right thing to do, is to try again even if I'm putting my pride and self confidence on the line. But I'm scared nevertheless. And not of being the looser to everyone else in school, but to being a looser to myself. I am so demanding with myself I sometimes feel really miserable. Because I am the kind of person that will tell you that failures aren't bad but never lets herself fail.

Not getting into the team for the first time felt like a punch in the gut. I can't even think about my pride's state if I try and don't achieve in round two. But then again, what if I try and get in? What if I miss my last chance?



Reasons vs. Excuses.

The final verdict?

Reasons win. Always. Even if you are the only one that knows them. Excuses won't make you feel better. Even if you end up believing them, there will always be that little voice in your head whispering the reasons. Reminding you, that you can't get away merely with excuses.

The truth never leaves us alone. Ever. Restlessly telling us what we missed by not wanting to pay attention to them, but instead focusing in looking for strategies whose purpose would be to cover and hide our failures.



The fix always leaves a mark. When you have a wound, you go to the surgeon. The surgeon puts the broken flesh back together. But even the best surgeon, leaves his mark. That little pink line. That spot in uneven color. That piece of ultra-sensitive skin.

And no matter what you do to forget, you will always remember the time when you fell down the stairs for tripping with the stilettos you left the night before in the middle of the corridor in a drunk run towards your room.
I should know. I failed and am making up excuses while dealing with the real reasons in my head.



WG

"Music"

Btw, for those who like electro music, I've just found an amazing turkish site with great songs.
The page is www.radyo5.com, it's in another language but you'll sure understand were it says 'Top 40'.

"Every song ends, but there's no reason not to enjoy the music"
Hope you love it as much as I do,

WG

"Sure you can't?"

Today in yoga class we were discussing conciousness. The importance of not only being aware of your entire body- but mind as well. How psycological our faults and deficiencies can be.
How many times don't we block ourselves by saying 'I can't, I'm not strong enough. I'm not that flexible. I don't understand. I can't analyze. I can't do this' blah, blah, blah.. The truth is, we get as far as we want. We control our bodies, we can't let the body an its faults control us. All that 'I can't' is pure bullshit. Sure we can. The answer in is concentration. In focus. And of course, in determination.
I swear that if you put all your energy into something, you will surely accomplish. Because when we say 'I can't' we are sending the message to our body that even if we give a 101%, we won't be capable, therefore, our bodies unconsiously don't give it all. Our body decides it's a waste of our precious time.
I say this by expirience. I couldn't do the yoga pose were you lift yourself up with your elbows and forearm being your only support. So I started thinking I can't. I can't. I can't. I'm scared I might fall. I just can't. And I never could. Until today. Today was one of those days were I just fell into complete meditation during the practice, I was so concentrated I couldn't hear anything anyone said. In those moments of deep concentration, I didn't have the time to think that I couldn't do that pose, and without realizing it, I did it.
If I could do that pose, then everything is possible. I guarantee you. It is possible, just don't block yourself, it's all a psycological game your body is playing on you; learn to be in control!

WG

"Magic?"

Why do bad things happen? From a religious point of view, it might be that God taught us what good was and handed us the world for us to make our own mistakes and learn by them. As some say, they happen to remind us what good is. Sometimes, to serve a greater good.
That is the story of Angels & Demons. There is so much more to that book than the action of a quest and policial pursuit. It is, about how far someone might go to prove something. To serve, in his/her perspective, what would be a greater good.
It is about religious fanatism and where it leads. As for how, things are taken to extremes. This book definitely proves the immense gap between church and God. Religion and God.
Men and God. I believe God is energy-God is an idea of life, something that provides answers to those questions that go beyond us. God is that inner force that teaches us to be better. That differentiates well from bad. Heaven from Hell.
God is not the church. God is not religion. Religions are just men’s interpretation of a supernatural force. And churches are the organization of men that hold the responsibility to carry the interpretation and belief, making books and leading their minds to see what their hearts wish were true. That’s why there are so different religions. Because everyone sees it differently. Muslims. Catholics. Christians. Protestants. Masons. Jews. They all seem to have facts that support what they believe is God. What they think God should be to mankind.
And where is God in this outline? Well, God comes from our need to believe. God comes from faith. Faith in a better world. Faith in a better life. Faith that there is something after death- something worthy enough to give the best of ourselves in Earth. God comes from WITHIN us.
That belief, that faith, that knowledge that religion and church provide us- are the ones that give us the supposedly right attitude towards life. They don’t provide us miracles- WE provide the miracles; we make them every time we believe so strongly in something. Every time we are determined to prove something-anything, we end up creating our own miracles, our own realities.
It is amazing how Dan Brown is able to show the same misinterpretation within the clergy man of the vows in the hopes of finding what happiness is for them even when the rules set by the church don’t allow them too. And then, proclaiming it a miracle. I am talking about the case of the book’s murdered Pope. He had a son through artificial insemination, therefore he was a virgin, so apparently, he kept his vow, and, ended up having a “miraculous” son. Well, no. The reason of the clergy’s vow of chastity is not only to imitate Jesus’ virginity but also, because priests are not supposed to have a family, since they would have less time to attend church matters. Having a child- a family- even as a virgin is clearly, unpermitted and unaccepted by the church. Besides, artificial insemination is church-condemned. It requires for men to masturbate. Furthermore, the Pope has a child, through a process that doesn’t support his ‘rules’ and declares it a miracle of God. Now, he was definitely setting a new definition for miracle.
We are so many times fooled. I mean, miracles are created by us, by our faith, by our desire to believe in a supernatural force and divinity.
What I mean, is that that is a clear example of how some people fill the gaps left by the church’s rules- by declaring false miracles to find and create proof for their mind. Common mistake.
“Where there is great passion and belief, there are always miracles”
WG

"Irony"

"If you are fixated about being there, you'll miss out on here, and never get there anyway"

"The most exquisite paradox: As soon as you give it all up you can have it all."

WG

"I am..."

It's raining.
And while I hear the rain crashing hard against the roof, I'm thinking.
Thinking of who I am. I was once asked this question by a teacher during class. She just asked us, 'who are you?'
The question by itself seems odd and sort of obvious. I mean, who am I? Lie De Vin, daah. (a.k.a my real name). But when I really come down to it, I'm not my name. My name was chosen by my parents, therefore I can't be something someone else decided would fit me.
Honestly, I don't think the teacher knew the answer herself. She was just wandering aloud, asking one of human's biggest questions.
I guess the question refers to what defines us. And what word would I possibly choose to define me completely? I mean, is there even a word that can have so much meaning?
SO much meaning as to completely wrap what a person IS? it's purpose, it's cause, it's reason to be, it's beliefs, everthing? I don't think so.
If who we are, is really what defines us, then we are our actions. We are what we do. Because the question of who we are I think refers to who we are not just to ourselves, but who we are to the world, and the world only sees what we alow them to see. What we do and what we say.
We are the mixture of our expiriences, of our thoughts, of our words, of our achievements and failures.. All those things, define us. All those things led us to where we are, how we think and what we want. If we would have no background, then we would truly be nothing. We wouldn't think a certain way. We wouldn't believe. We wouldn't mean anything to anybody.
Which is why it's so crucial that we portray what we are and not what others want us to be. Do we really want to be who others want, regardless of what's right and good both for the world AND ourselves? No. At the end, more than nothing, a man's sole and most important purpose is to find truth. Truth that some find through studying, through religion, through meditation...
But all those things are merely tools.Stuff that we use in order to understand the world, who we are and, WHY.

I believe I am the decisions I've made so far. I am, the path that I've created, with all its curves, rocks, changes, and end. I am who I chose to be. the actions I have done. the where, how, why, with whom..are just details. At the end, the world will judge me through my path. My legacy, what I have left behind, not the things I kept to myself.

"I have immortal longings in me"
WG

"Are you ready?"

My family often calls me the radical. Radical in my decisions, mostly with change.

I am a person that adapts to every situation imaginable. I sometimes joke with myself thinking I might as well be a chamaleon. I can perfectly hang out and understand the emos of my school, the rockers, the nerds, the grown-ups tipe, the cougars.. All of them. I am everyone's friend. But that is, not because I agree with them in everything, because I don't, but because I am capable of putting on their shoes and see their perspective. Which is why my counselor says I'm a rational, 'cause in my head, I see thousands of different angles to every situation. Something that pushes me to make the decision of which view I believe the most in. And I don't hide it.

Being a suporter of the gay community, and seeing God as an idea of life rather than a purpose of life in a deeply catholic school has earned me the name of controversy. And I am like that with every aspect of my life.

I went from having long, golden, curly locks that went down to my waist; to having a short, pixie, cinnamon blond bob. I love change, and I'm not scared to face the unknown. Because I've always believed that we have nothing to loose, and therefore, there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel. You will always come out from every new expirience either with a big trophy or with a wiser brain. But never empty-handed.

We must try. Because if we don't we will expend the rest of our lives thinking: what if. What if I had done that? What would've happened?. Better to be at least expirienced right?

I think the key to everything in life lays in honesty. Honesty in what we want. In what we need. In what we have done. In what we feel. We have to face all this trues. And even if we are ambitious and very exigent with ourselves, then we must be equally capable to see, that sometimes, it's not our fault. Sometimes, we did all we could, but we happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Period.

Personally, the best things that have happened to me and changed my life are those that have been completely spontaneous, inexpected and new. Like this one time that I went with a group of Catholic Missionaries to help poor people. That is an expirience I will never in my life forget. It changed everything. It made me a less explosive, impulsive person. No one ever imagined me going to those trips. But, I felt like trying. So I packed, and went. No friends. No nothing. Just me, around all these religious fans.

Those words I keep repeating to my friend. See, she, like most us, is scared. Scared of something that neither she nor her friends have expirienced. She is afraid of being alone. She feels intimidated.

But fear is good. The fear that I once felt, crushing hard on my pride, was what impulsed me to be brave. To be courageous at all times. Besides, haven't we heard 'Renovate your life, and the universe will be yours'? A little exagerated, I know, but not false.

'And what if I try it, and then don't achieve?' She asked me. And so I told her 'If that happens, then it's because you didn't loose. You just ran out of time'.

Strange and comforting fact of life: you can get used to almost anything.

WG

"Present Tense"

Sooo. I'm so excited about starting school next week. I can't waitt. This year, I think and know, has lots of surprises and excitements waiting for me. I feel it.
But not all about this upcoming year will be merely fun and games. I have a lot of academic goals to accomplish, and a hell of discipline, organization and constance will be required.
I have to excell at my grades. Like, A in every class. I have to get over 1.500 on my SAT's. I will start an extracurricular course in French. Busy, busy, busy.. Plus, excercising and actually having a life. Just the thought tires me.
"I invented my life taking for granted that everything that I didn't liked would have an opposite that I would like"Coco Chanel.
As that quote points, everything has a good side. An asset. A possiblity, an opportunity, a joy. This year, I'll be finally studying what I want. Including classes like psychology, literature, world history, math, french, grammar, spanish, current events,.. I'm actually going to enjoy attending class, doing homework and studying. If THAT isn't great, then what IS?
SAT's.. Well.. I have to do it at some point. So, better get it done once and for all. I'll have to dedicate a lot to get amazing scores, but then again, if I want a scholarship, it will be worth it.
French, honestly, is not a language I'm fond of. I don't like it. And, it's complicated. Everything is pronounced one way, and written completely the opposite. But if I don't do it, then I'll never finish it. And all what I've learned so far, will be trash.
The gym, I love the gym. I am an excersice addict. Pilates, Yoga, Steps, Aerobics, ... My fave.
Having a life, well, that's not really open for discussion, is it?

Bringing other subjects of this new year, I have to say, I love this season's fashion. The 80's. I absolutely love leather, studs, big shoulders, black, tight, weird silouhettes, bold accesories.. everything is perfect. Like my profile states, I love Pretty Woman. I love the wardrobe of that movie.
Music? I'm currently obssesed with two songs. I am crazy about them. When I love a song, I replay it over and over and over again like 100000000 times until I find another to get intense with. Those two songs, are sexy chick by david guetta; and four winds by the killers.
Books? I'm getting started on Angles& Demos by Dan Brown. I'll keep you posted about it. So far, it's incredibly stunning.

This year, is going to be everything I want it to be, and more. I'd just decided that, so it's a fact.

Be ready, because this school year, can be ANYTHING. Just work it. Hone it. Own it. Make it your own. And then, press replay.
WG

"Pick the roses, girl"

There are things we never think are going to happen to us. We never expect them, we just believe it's something meant for others, but not for ourselves, so that's why we never even consider how we would react.

It all started six moths ago. Very innocent and subtle. The customary breast exam you get when you are past forty.

People subsconciously go there as if they already knew the results. As if they were only doing it for a clear conscience or something. For mere superstition. I should know, I accompanied my mom.

When the exam was finished, the doctor told us there was something there. That was surely nothing. She was calmed.

That afternoon, she called us again. Urgent. My mom needed to get an autopsy next week. Inmediatly.

My mom got the autopsy. But she always thought it would be nothing. Because I think it's our mind's way of protection.Of leaving out all the hard stuff. Not that we can actually get away from them.

A week passed, and a lot of things changed in how I viewed life. In who I was as a person. But that week, is a whole other story. The point is, it helped me. It gave me the neccesary tools to go through a lot. Because you can never change the facts, you can only change the lens through which you look at them. That week, I got a new set of lenses.

That week, I came to sense that something would happen. Maybe it was just another of our mind's way of preparing us, of making us tough, a whole other kind of defense. So I started making the case in my mind.

What if my mom had cancer?

Were would that leave not just our relationship as a family, but our situatuion, how would that little fact change our lives?

I came back home that week to know that my mom has cancer. Since that day, I have only cried twice over it. When I found out, and the day I told my friends. The day I first said the words out loud.

But that was it. Because I knew and know that I have to keep going. I can't stop over this. I had to just make the most of the cancer. Analyze the situation and find the hidden assets and opportunities. That would be the truly hard part. Once I started seeing the good side, then there would be a different focus. Just to get past it, picking the roses in the way.

So I did. You have no idea how much I have learned from this. How much it has changed me, how much I have matured. I'm a different person since. It has deeply changed the very foundations of what we were as a family.

I still have ambitions and dreams. The difference is that now, I focus more in the present than in the future. I realized that there are other important things than to just work for what's next. We must learn to work for what we need, before we start wishing for what we want.

We, as a family lived with the false idea that we should work as ants and save until we were rich. Then, once we got all the money, we would give each other the chance of truly living and enjoying.

Now, we just live the moment. A day at a time. Enjoying every second of every minute. Not saving for the future. Just, making the most of what we already have.

I learned family is all I've got. We are born and dead alone. Some friends you find out they are not real, they were made out of supositions and convinience. Others, are rather focused in themselves. And that others, might prefer to look the other way. That leaves only a few to count with.

My perspective on life also changed drastically. Well, not on life exactly, but on its purpose and priorities.

Life's focus is no longer only about big achievements, grades, amount of parties I attend, fancy cars and clothes..but on.. evolving, improving. Of being both the pilot and co-pilot. Of being the pilot of my life, and the co-pilot of others. So than I can be the teacher and the alumni at the same time. So that I have the opportunity to teach others what I have learned so far, and so that others can teach me their expirience and share their views. So that maybe, I can help the world. Change it. Show those who don't know, or are in the search for life's big answers, that the change must start in ourselves. It is true we can't change the world alone. But if we are not better, how do we expect others to be?

Life is no longer full of regrets. If bad things hadn't happened, then we wouldn't be tough and therefore unprepared.

If we hadn't done stupid things, reckless things, evil things, selfish things.. then how would we learn? How would we know what's right, if we have never been wrong?

And I know, that life gave me this, among other charges, because I am capable of making the most of it and living it the right way. Or at least, that's what I tell myself to find peace.

Find peace everytime my mom looks at me and tells me she can't do it anymore. She can't have another chemo. Everytime she tells me she is tired, she feels bad, she's pissed, she is sad, that she just wants it to be over...


I realized things don't happen and aren't made with a premeditated purpose. They have a reason to be, even when we don't want to admit it. And even if they just happened, we are the ones that pick their destiny. We decide what their mission will be.



WG

"Quote"

"They are brother and sister, really: children's fables and religious parables. I believe religiosity and wholehearted belief in heroes and villains may be his brave but futile attempt to make the world orderly and logical"
I Know This Much Is True.
Wally Lamb.

"Leonardo, Leonardo..."

"The Da Vinci Code". Ring any bells? I'm sure all of you have either seen the controversial movie or read the book. I've done both.

It is an amazing book. The story is wrapping, good, and even if not all of the historical facts are true, the way it's written and all the arguments are reasonable, understandable and most of all- possible.

The movie, is perfect. It's the first movie of a book I've seen that actually includes most of the story, doesn't changes any detail and ends up being exactly as you pictured it in your head.

I want to talk about a thought that ocurred to me this afternoon. We were discussing indians, and old times. Eventually, we fell into religion. And then it came: 'Indians believed in the sun because they needed to believe in something and in a higher power. So they made the sun, and nature, their Gods. So that then, they could have a reason to live. A cause and purpose.'

So. What if we invented the God we believe in- just because we needed something to give us what nature and people couldn't- hope, higher powers, miracles.. What if. What if Jesus actually never was the man we thought he was? What if it was just an exageration of the things he did, and how we chose to interpret it at the time because of our needs for faith and belief?

It is logical. Mostly, when history is by my side. The Bible, as we know it today, was written and created my men. By someone that chose which gospels to include and which not. Someone that would decide which were true, which were heretic, and something as complex as Jesus' divinity. Just as the book says, under Constantine the first Bible was published, and regardless of what religious people might say, he did supervisied and checked it. He was the king, and it was the first book on religion to be published. Something that would influence his entire kingdom. Of course he revised it.

At the Council of Nicaea, Jesus' divinity was defined. Was he God-like divine? As in, perfect, miracoulous, God himself? Or was he manlike-divine? A divine man. With all its flaws, urges, necessities. Only a man. Not God himself. A pure, divine, righteous man.

Of course, this Council concluded Jesus as a God-like creature. The son of God, and at the same time, God himself as a man.

The book argues that it was all Constantine's ideal of a unified Rome. By publishing the most best-selling and influential book in history, a book that set the standarts of something beyond humans, of a belief in heaven and a life after death; and by making pagan belief a part of it, he would have the complete power. Remember, in those times, the king was sended by God.

And what do I mean by 'making pagan belief a part of it'? Well, in case you didn't know, Jesus wasn't born on December 25. He was born in spring. December 25 is the date of birth of a pagan god that existed at those times, and that, very similarly to Jesus, was received by three men with gifts. The day we go to mass? Sun-day. The day of the sun. The day the pagans payed tribute to their gods. Easter? Also an originally pagan date. So yes, all our currently known dates and standarts were set by a man whose purpose was to unify two religions. A man that even when he claimed to be Christian, still made everyone refer to him as the Sun King.

When the chosing of the Bible gospels happened, many gospels found 'heretic' according to Jesus God-like divinity were destroyed. Burned.

So, is it possible that Jesus was indeed married to Marie Magdalene and had a child with her? Yes, it is. It is because any gospel that might have spoken about it would have been destroyed or been disposed off since it gave out Jesus' urges, pleasures and desires as a man, instead of a God. Which he was. He, was a man. A full of flesh human.

Now, the Priory of Sion? Well, that a more complicated issue. See, what refers exactly to the name of 'Priory of Sion' is a society that was created during the 1950's by Plantard and was discovered to be a fraud. The documents they based their beliefs in were proved to be fabricated. Therefore, it is impossible Leonardo Da Vinci was part of it.
Buut there existed in the Middle Ages a secret society named the 'Order of Zion', that, like in the book, supposedly had links to the Templary Knights. In this one, it is possible Leonardo was part of as well as all the others named in the book such as Isaac Newton. There are no proofs that show this society existed, no specific documents (at least not that I've found). The movie also says that the fraud that was discovered by Plantard about the Priory Of Sion was all a screen so that they were completely unbelievable, and their purposes would remain secret. Personally, I think it is a loong shot for that to be true. I mean, a society that has survived since the Middle Ages and holds such an important secret and no one has ever made it public? Not likely.
As for the wars presented in the movie and book between the Templaries and the church, well, it is true. The wars happened. But, of course, there is no proof that the reasons shown in the movie are right. Those are just supositions that fit the story line of a conspiracy. The witch hunt? also truth. Women were considered impure and heretic. Every liberal woman was burned. The numbers were a little bit lower than the ones showed in the movie, but still, the point is that it indeed happened.

I personally don't think the importance of all this lays in if it was true or right. In if Jesus had or hadn't a kid. In if the Priory did or didn't exist. For me, it doesn't really matters. I've never being a deeply religious person, but I am spiritual. And I think I wouldn't even care if they told me Jesus never indeed existed. Because what is important, is what we learned from him, as a God, as a man, as a heretic, as a fraude, as a mith, as a leyend, as a true, as a lie.. We learned not only the meaning of love, but also, things that make many be better persons every single day. So what if he had a kid? What if he was married? He could have been a divine and pure father and husband. Why not? What's so wrong with that?
As for the Catholic Church, well, I have many many doubts about them to be honest. I think, that well, even if they are spiritual and help the world, it is a bussines nevertheless. I go to a school owned and presided by a congregation of the Catholic Church, named the Legionaries of Christ (yes, founded by Marcial Marciel). And I can see how these women that make themselves call 'nuns' live. And how the priest live. They call them the millionaries. It's true. People donate them new cars, lots of money, houses... Ok, it isn't theirs, but they aren't exactly living as poors, are they?, and then, they ask for money donations and charge whenever they have a chance. C'mon. You want to help the world, be Jesus' modern copy? Sell all those brand new cars, those houses. Buy used cars. The money that is left, donate it to charity. Make something good with it. Buy all the things for the Church that you so often ask donations for. Like all religions ruled by men, it is a bussines. A very clever and succesful one, by the way. There's people in Africa that can't make the day, but these women are sended to 'help' girls in private schools. I am not saying we're not messed up, but there's worse. Meanwhile, they give services to these rich girls, enjoy all the comodities because there's nothing they have missing, and the priests go for yearly vacations in Europe. Now, what do you call THAT? Poverty vote, anyone?
Then, there's the chastity vote. How many priests have been acused, or have confessed to have a women in their lives? There's even one that declared himself to be gay! A bishop!. What does that tell you? The church is really messed up.
The point is, no religion or church can completely prove the things they believe in. Everything is possible when it comes to their stories. I personally believe the whole Bible is a metaphor. I think those are just parables that teach us to be good, regardless of if they indeed happened or not. It may have come not only from convinience at the times, but also from the need of better people. As for other religions, I found it impossible to believe that any real religion or belief promotes the death or convertion of others. To me, everyone can go to heaven in their own fashion. As long as they respect and don't bother anyone else.

WG

"Running against the flow"

Today I went to the gym. And man, you have to see the people that go there.


You should see their determined faces while they excersice. The sweat running down their features and dropping in their cloth. Their concentration.


Some people go to the gym in order to be skinnier. Others go to improve health. A few, to just chat and find new friends while burning some calories. But most of the people go, I believe, to relieve stress. To let it all out. Decharge. Get rid of all those intense feelings, that at some point end up drowning us...


I go to the gym for all of the above. To maintain my figure, sure. To be healthy. To decharge, hell yeah. It's so therapeutic. I love it.


But well, what I was going to talk to you about originally was what came to my mind while I ran. I was watching these two fat women runing in front of me. And I started thinking of self-acceptance. Of self-eestem and why what others think matters so much. I mean, if what everyone thinks is what matters, then do we truly have an opinion about ourselves of our own? We so often fall into comparisons and criticism. Sometimes comparing ourselves to the plastic celebrities and heavily photoshoped models in the magazines, feeling sorry for how we look, who we are. And sometimes, finding security in enhancing other's defects, so that we can stand out, or in a way, justify or minimize our own flaws.

We never actually stop and think how the other person might be feeling. Or how are we really feeling. Is it that we are scared of looking like that? Or is it that deep down, we feel that we actually look like that? because honestly, I find it difficult that deep down we actually feel better by criticizing or making fun of others.

I think that subsconciously, we find comfort by thinking that those people envy us somehow. By thinking that we are actually better because some of us aren't fat. But what we don't see, is that maybe we are not obese, but rather akward, ugly, pinoccios, weird faced.. And that we, sometimes, by doing that, is a way of feeling sorry for ourselves. For that we know we are no better. And we look no better. 'Cause we all got flaws. Either we want to accept it or not, it's a fact.

I find myself envying those women. Because even if they're not under everyone's stereotype of what means being beautiful, they sure look radiant. Radiant with hope, maybe. With happiness and confidence. They really are comfortable with how they look. They love it. They feel sexy. And they are in the gym, not to look beautiful to others, but to improve who they are and what they stand for. They don't think they need to go to fit other's standards, or so that they can be called beautiful by everyone. I can see that. Because they're not shy. They walk and excersice with they heads looking strait into the horizon, not down with embarrassment. They wear their sports tight shirts with dignity, without putting their arms around their stomach to cover their imperfect abs. They don't look around, they're focused, and do their excerise for pure enjoyment.

I envy them, because I wish I were so carefree. I don't look like a stereotype, neither I intend to, but I often feel pressure to be skinnier. I look myself in the mirror, and even though I know I'm not fat, I still see imperfection. I see the bodies of Giselle Bundchen and Heidi Klum in y head. An feel fat. And horrible. Because part of our self-eestem is based in standarts. Is based in others opinion. Because it's important for us that someone tell us how pretty we look once in a while. It's important that a few guys turn their heads to watch us walking by. Because that way, we feel that we are being true to ourselves every time we look in the mirror and think 'I'm beautiful'. And that's why so many women and now mostly teenagers are getting plastic surgery. Because the problem is, we don't see beauty as something that comes from happiness, enjoyment and life, we see it as a fashion.
If Angelina Jolie appears in the magazines, then having big lips, big boobs and being extremely skinny is hot. If Jessica Biel makes the cover of Sport's Ilustrated, then the athletic body tipes become the must. If Victoria Beckham appears in the Calvin Klein ad, then supper skinny, toned, long bodytipes, short hair, and thin lips are the most gorgeous thing a woman can have.
We are mistaken. That's not beauty. That's fashion and trends. That's the public certain attention to a sudden aspect of human figure. Not beauty. And if everything that makes us unique is changed by plastic surgery, then won't we end up looking ordinary? And, at some point, not so beautiful anymore? Since new standarts have been established?

We must learn to live as we are. We must learn to make the most of it. To enhance our virtues and improve our flaws. So that then, one day, when someone ask us how we look so good, we'llbe able to say we did it all by excelling, never changing, the tiniest bit of who we are.

Here I make a public promise to myself of never getting plastic surgery. Of learning to live, happily, with who I am, what I stand for, how I look, no matter what. Regardless of my fat days, ugly days, pity days.. I will see past that. I will see then my virtues and the multiple reasons to stay true to myself, both in image and mind.

WG

"In The Verge"

“In The Verge”
In the verge of falling. In the verge of letting go of ourselves. In the verge of freedom. In the verge of life.
In the verge of the climb. Halfway there, halfway here. Part dreaming, part living. A little of fantasy, and a little of realism. Some sarcasm, too. And hate, complemented with revenge.
That’s where I am now. In the verge. Not quite falling yet, but very damn close.
All that it took me to get here, all the work, the focus, the strength, the boldness... and all it would take me to get to the tip of the rocky, icy mountain. All, suddenly, worthless. All lost. Just me, standing there, stock in the middle of the climb, in a verge, looking down at the fall that waits for me. And asking myself a question repeatedly: why did I had to be born with so many ambitions? Why? So that when I was in my way to getting what I have always grieved for, to realize I probably won’t ever get not even a little closer to achieving? A lifetime, fifteen years, of crafting, molding, preparing myself, just to realize I’m in a bunker? With no way out? Simply drowning? What for?. I’m afraid that dreaming isn’t worth it.
I live for and by my dreams. To make them real. So that finally, awakening is better than dreaming. But there’s always something that stops me. Always. Sometimes the circumstances. Sometimes my surroundings. My friends. My family. I’m scared. They might think I’m just a dreamer, but not a doer.
Or maybe that’s not why I found myself stopping there, at the verge of the mountain. Maybe it is because I’m afraid I won’t make it. Maybe it is because deep down, I know I’m the one creating that bunker that keeps me from moving on, because yes, my life is difficult and complicated, but nothing’s impossible. Besides, there are people whose lives are a lot harder, right? And I don’t regret difficult times. I take them as a compliment. Life gives the hard parts to those who are strong enough to bare them and go past ‘em. I believe that.
But this fear always comes back to me. Always. It’s like I’m afraid to go further because then if I fail, then the fall will be a lot longer. So I’m scared. Real scared. But I’m too proud to show it or even admit it. I find that as a weakness in myself. If I’d admit it, then I would’ve become vulnerable. Not that vulnerability is bad. But I just don’t like to look as if I can indeed be defeated. I hate that feeling. And I love that I am that way too. Because I think that at times, that’s what keeps me going. My urge for showing myself all the things that I am capable of. All what I’ve done so far, and what is yet to come. Since I am like that, I always keep going after being in the verge. I look down, look up. See what’s coming and know that it is not a cup cake. Realize that if I don’t keep going, risking it all, then I’ll be a greater looser. I’ll be an insecure. A quitter. And there is absolutely nothing worse than a quitter.
Because to achieve big time, you’ve got to be daring to fail.
‘Bet big, win big’
So here I keep going, with all the things that are already on my shoulders, in the pursuit of my dreams...
Wish me luck,
WG.