I'm grieving. Grieving for the things I so much wish I could have. Those things that would make my dreams real. Those things that would make them more reachable and easy to achieve.
It's been years since I cried my heart out the way I did today.
And it's weird to know that I have never felt as sad, frustrated, disencouraged, down, as I do right now, not even with my mom's sickness or my grandma's death. Never have I felt this way.
It's as if I have just discovered Santa doesn't really exist. As if I finally opened my eyes and saw that I couldn't get everything I wanted, not even if I deserved it or worked harder than anyone else to have it. At least not when it's not entirely up to me.
This is the first time (and I have a feeling it won't be the last one) that money has really gotten in the way. In the past, I always got away with something. If I couldn't travel, I would work and have a blast. If I couldn't fulfill my dream of knowing the world in five stars hotels, then I did it some other way. But this time, is not as simple.
The things money could give. The pressure it would let off my shoulders, just to know, that maybe, I don't need to work so hard. That it's okay to have a break. Because, you know, you have benefits. It would be so great to make that decision, pay for it, and then just doing the minimal, already having planned and achieved in advance your future goals. With just one paycheck. With lots of ceros.
But no. That's not the way it's supposed to happen to me. I'm the girl with no money. The girl that can't write that paycheck without sacrificing waaay to much. The girl that has to get used to doing ten times what others do in order to get the same. The girl, that ok, maybe she will have a more rewarding expirience and merit and blah blah blah (also very important), but, what if she is equally or even more good than the ones that get it, but she doesn't, because she can't afford the benefits? She will have no merit, since success is limited and chances are she wouldn't get it by herself. Rewarding expirience? I don't think so.
If just she had the money. The money to assure herself success.

Maybe that is just life. And maybe I just have to learn to live with it. I know. But it's hard. Everyday the fight gets harder, sometimes disencouraging me to keep my eyes and mind in the price, but to instead just give up. So many times I have being tempted to let go of my dreams. I never had. But now, I don't know if maybe it is best to let go and find some other dream. To change it. To surrender. To just accept the idea that what I want is practically impossible. Perhaps that's what I should do. Perhaps that is what is right.
There is a quote that I used to love until know that it might be applicable to give up. It says: "To let go is to overcome". In the past, I only thought of it as in relationships and that sort of things so I thought it was right. But now, I'm not so sure. To let go is to overcome? As if I give up-surrender-let go of my all-time-childhood-dream I OVERCOME??? overcome what, exactly? Failure?

Possible. But I don't think I can accept that. Today's sob was proof of it. I rather torture myself with my dreams even though I know they probably won't happen.
I will put myself the frim purpose of never letting myself loose hope as I am doing now. Of learning to live in frustation.
I will try to keep going with what I have, and let the chips fall as they may. After all, I'm not ready to steal a bank in order to reach my dreams fast and easy. Not that I shouldn't consider that option.

WG